Monday, April 27, 2009

Football is the new rock n roll!

Regular visitors to these parts will know that me twin passions are footie & music. And Sir Les of Bangsar manor was kind enough to forward me this utterly hilarious article from Four Four Two.

Read on & do post yer comments!

ps: Kopites without a fooking sense of humour may want to look away . . .

Rock'n'Goal Week: Celebrating music's relationship with the beautiful game
The Music Man
If Premier League teams were bands...
Friday 24 April 2009


Leading sportswriter Richard Williams once analysed Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka’s styles of play in terms relating to classical music. According to Williams, Kaka is like a C&W twang on a mouth iron, while Ronaldo is a whopping funk riff on slap bass played by a strung-out geezer in a ‘fro and stack heels… oh alright, that wasn’t the point he was making.

Seems Winker was “allegro molto vivace, with a pronounced fondness for bursts of staccato phrasing via those quick-stepping feet,” while Kaka “plays at a permanent andante cantabile”. No, we’ve no idea either.

Still, it got us thinking. Which bands really speak 'Premier League football' to us?
Now, unlike Mr Williams – who at Melody Maker once accidentally mistook an EMI engineer’s test pressing for a John Lennon album and reviewed it in glowing terms – we’re simple folk when it comes to tunes, so there’ll be no mentions of glissandos, diminuendos or minimalist compositions here. Well, only one.


ARSENAL: Air
This French synth combo are classy, ephemeral and aesthetically pleasing – though the melodies are often lightweight, noodle unnecessarily, and rarely culminate in a satisfying conclusion. (Speaking of music, the crowd at the Emirates are music buffs to a man, often raising the roof with their rousing renditions of John Cage’s 4’33".)

ASTON VILLA: Prince
Prince enjoyed spectacular success in the early-'80s before going steadily – some would say spectacularly – downhill. He’s enjoyed a couple of minor successes since, but most of the time people simply shake their heads and wonder what the hell happened to a once-great institution. (Coincidentally, former chairman Doug Ellis is rumoured to do a cracking karaoke version of Sexy Motherf*cker!!!).

BLACKBURN: Radiohead
The Oxford miserablists enjoyed phenomenal sales in the mid-'90s. They looked set fair for a long period of dominance, but threw it away big-style with a series of amazingly wilful career decisions. Replacing the majestic guitar swirl of The Bends with the piss-in-a-puddle drums of Amnesiac is one thing… but Kenny Dalglish for Ray Harford, Brian Kidd and Paul Ince?

BOLTON: Snow Patrol
A bunch of professional chaps who always turn up on time and get the job done with minimum fuss. Problem is, nobody remembers an effing thing they ever do. Or know what any of them look like.

CHELSEA: Coldplay
Immensely successful – yet equally unpopular. Nobody you’ll ever meet actually admits to liking this lot – perhaps because there’s such a ridiculous amount of money thrown at the production, and what’s produced is turgid rubbish.

EVERTON: The Beatles
A Merseyside outfit whose toppermost days were in the 1960s. They’ve still got a big reputation, but it doesn’t take a genius to spot that only 50 percent of their members have any discernable talent.

FULHAM: The Bangles
They work-for-an-E-gyp-tian.

HULL CITY: Elbow
Phenomenally underachieving northerners suddenly hit the big time and get the ‘overnight success’ they’ve worked decades to achieve, to widespread hair-ruffling delight. But it’ll be interesting to see how they follow it up…

LIVERPOOL: David Hasselhoff
To the human eye these two institutions appear so identical they suggest a single hybrid. The Hofferpool, if you will. Both enjoyed glory days in the ’80s when they bossed Europe with some of the finest perms the world had ever seen. Both have huge followings in Germany. And both emerged from the doldrums in the Noughties to score unexpected hits as varied as Jump In My Car and winning the Champions League.


MANCHESTER CITY: Oasis
Yes, it seems far too obvious. But examine the evidence – they’re wealthier than they’ve ever been, but are past their best, fail dismally in their goal to recreate the heady days of the 1960s, and are prone to occasional bursts of extreme violence.

MANCHESTER UNITED: Thelonious Monk
The legendary jazz pianist pressed keys which should never have worked together in a million years, but somehow did. Fergie meanwhile cobbled together a winning side with a midfield containing the likes of John O’Shea and Darren Fletcher. Mmm, nice!

MIDDLESBROUGH: The Magic Numbers
Cuddly, wholesome kids who no one really minds but who seem inexorably headed for the dumper.

NEWCASTLE: The Grateful Dead
Blessed with an unbelievable number of rabid fans who can see no wrong in their heroes whatsoever. Everyone else looks on in total bemusement.


PORTSMOUTH: Massive Attack
Peter Crouch gags are great, aren’t they?

STOKE: Motley Crue
Like ’em or loathe ’em, you can’t deny the formula works. May be prone to the odd bout of in-fighting but you wouldn’t want to get into an argument with their army of loyal, noisy fans.

SUNDERLAND: The Arcade Fire
The Canadian hipsters first hit the big time a couple of years ago, and enjoyed much critical success with their initial effort. But despite good early notices, in reality their second effort saw them merely treading water, and nobody’s talking about them much any more. Let’s face facts, their time is already running out.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR: U2
Big on bluster and not half as important as they think they are.

WEST BROM: The Smiths
So many of The Smiths’ lyrics speak directly to Baggies fans. “I know it’s over.” “Heaven knows I’m miserable now.” "Sing me to sleep / I don’t want to wake up any more." “Panic.” “Until it’s mathematically impossible to stay up / We’ll carry on giving it our all.” Actually, we’re not sure if that last one was one of Morrissey’s or not; we’ll have to check.


WEST HAM UNITED: Chas ’n’ Dave

Yes, we know Chas, Dave and the drummer from Chas’n’Dave did all the FA Cup final songs for Spurs. But you couldn’t get a more typical Sound of East London if you strapped Lee Bowyer’s head to the axle of his Baby Bentley and went wheel-spinning around Dagenham for a couple of hours.

WIGAN: Fatboy Slim
A chancer who made his name in the ’80s and now pieces together loads of different bits of old tat to make something which is passable at best.

26 comments:

Les Malais said...

Loooool Hasselhoff for the reds :))
I am sure you will buy the CD !!

anfield devotee said...

Ha ha, Nickolai, that's right!

Even though we got the shittiest description, me suppose you just gotta laff.

If ye canna laff at yerself, who can ye laff at?

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

hehehe...yea, had a good laugh meself, esp on them spuds. but seriously, who the hell is Air? french music scene is simply too foreign for me.

anfield devotee said...

kerp: ambient dance la macha . . .

mozHASturnedINTOaMartian said...

mwahahhahahhah. NICE ONE!!!

although i have to admit, i feel a stinker bombed his fart in between the lines, not so much pooped but rather the slight odd pffft here and there - rather pungent too i might add; it seems to be reekin of er..the..uhm...obligatory mancunian....er..candour (if you can call it that) from their red side of town.

voila - pungent stench?:)))
*yes, i'm a soreloser so piss on me*

[Note: the distinct lack of toungue-in-check in humour embroiled with other teams on page above when associated with the awessumm scum]

[Note to self: other than MOODladen pure sleep inducing elektronik overtures, the term "AIR" could also fastidiously insinuate..or..er symbolize in a transcendental meditative way...in alterned states.. a) with heads too high up in the "AIR" or b) genting-sempah like cut-out holes in mountains like canals connecting the eustachi-ain tubes of both..er ears...whooossshh..

erk. i gotta run, before i start getting death threats from the other part of the fervent north london...


seee yaaaaaa...

Anba said...

Balaji:-
After feeling like knowingly handing my brains for some one too eet and then shitting it back into my head for me to use..( Basically felt like having shit fro me brains for the past 4 days...

The last thing i needed was taking shit for some one else...But fookin A ... it happened...
Just waysted 3.5 hrs of me precious holiday...just to take some shit...

Waited like 3 hrs to apply for ASW2020 in me CIMB branch branch only to told it was sold off...what the fook...!!!!
First they say no link so me waited like the others...for fookin 3 hrs..while the nearby Maybank and Post Office didnt have this problem....my only mistake was goin to the CIMB bank coz me saw the crowd swellin like an elephants Prick, i went there like 8.50 am bank pun blm bukak.... well me know now
who is the Big Dumb Prick now...Cibai...

Luckilly todays post was good at least had me smilling a bit... We Got AIR...
heheheh...
U guys got Knight Rider and baywatch fella ...not bad rite chicks n cars...

M thinkin of some metal bands...
Certainly fer liverpool it will be Carcass...

Jon-C said...

WTF? That joker is a pop singer, NOT a rock & roll band. :0P

anfield devotee said...

JonC: Who ye refering to?

Anba: Me didn't even bother with ASN. That's probably why me is almost always flat fooking broke. Glad ye liked the article.

Moz: Nay comment on da "self-importance" of yer beloved spurs/u2? Hee hee!

Anba said...

i've just checked out John Cage's 4:33...
must be the best music i've heard in me life..absolutely stunning and beautiful..
Brilliant composition...
Superb music...

j or ji said...

wakaka..wes brom the funniest..and liverpool.

Jon-C said...

That joker from Baywatch lah!

mozHASturnedINTOaMartian said...

ah yes. u2 - i can see the relativity of it all now; plain and clear as daylight:

"...and...iyeeeeee stillllll haven't foundddddddddd whattttt i'mmmm lookkiiingggg ferrrrrrrr" in a quaint brogue-lilt of course.

having said that, here's ma suggestion for a "sub" in place of the might oirish:

the stone roses - why the fark?
what on earth do them mancunian baggie bhoys have in common with a bunch of north londoners? the gist of it is as follows:

a) when messrs brown, squire, "MANI" (hint*hint) and reni dancefloored in 89 - it was reasonable good times for the yids;
b) the stones always always always seeked to entertain playin it the way they do - yu get goosebumps hearin their sound / and yes watching the team that "was once" marauding with a five man england midfield "dance" tthe field albeit with tighter 80's arsefitting trunks.
c)..er..nothing i've run of ideas.
ohh yeah..
d)if all else fails in current circumstance please apply the other legendary mancs to the spurs.."...i was happyy in the haze of aaa drunkkkkeen hourrrr...butt heaveeeeennnn knowsss i'm farkin misserrabllleeeee %$&&$&&#&#&#".

btw, loved that pic. am cuttin and pasting to a screensaver. mwahhahahhaa

cheers mon.

appreciatively,
moz.
p.s. mr.knight rider? no kidding

classyadele said...

LOL..even the Germans are ashamed of him (David H)..! hahahhaaha

Tinesh said...

hahaha spot on!! but seriously? The Hoff? Kesian you guys la. I thot more like some 80's hair metal band.

anfield devotee said...

Tinesh / j or ji: In case you guys haven't noticed, this piece was most definitely written by a manc.

No? Everyone gets put down except MU? Yeah riiiiite. And of course, he saves the worse fer us by naming Der Hass!

C'mon, blinking OBVIOUS la! Thelonious Monk fer the mancs . . . pbrrrt, you wish. (nothing personal, but do either of you even own a Monk LP?)

But me still posted this. Why? Coz we Kopites have a sense of humour, unlike some other supporters me care to mention . . .

JonC: See above.

Classyadele: see above.

Moz: Stone Roses? Hmmmm . . . me thinks even Spurs managed more than TWO highlights (& even then calling The Stone Roses second album a highlight is stretching it a bit . . .)

Anba: Mana you cari tu lagu?

mozHASturnedINTOaMartian said...

nail on forehead, took the words right out of ma mouth chief: utter lack of painful consistency - therein there, lies its similarity.
mwahhahahhahaha. have a good one.

appreciatively,
moz.

Azer Mantessa said...

Hasselhoff!!!

ouch!!!

Anba said...

Balaji:- just type John Cage 4:33...actually in the article he did mention arsenal fans doin a john cage 4:33.. so me checked it out on u tube...

Mmg cun punya lagu...
By the way bro gua tengah layan lagu amorphis...silver bride from their new album due on the 29th May...
very nice song bro...
not sure u like it but chck it out...
Bro maybe wont be postin much... will try to ..cos TM baru sahaja potong Streamyx..n phone line...heheheh...tak larat bayar...

Anba said...

i know this is not related but i just feel responsible...
According to Metalzone.gr, Greek extreme metal veterans ROTTING CHRIST have been forced to postpone their previously announced show in Malaysia due to paperwork problems. The group says in a statement, "All we can do as a band is to send our promise to our fans there that so much has supported our band from their first steps that we are going to work hard in order to make our appearance in their country a reality and specifically in December."

anfield devotee said...

Anba: potong stim la, RC gig postponed . . .

Azer: Like me said, biasa la, article by manc, we sure kena kutuk. But hey, what the heck, we sure know how to laugh at ourselves . . .

Moz: Give you ctredit la, spurs better than that . . .

kevo said...

Just as well with the big German following and the baywatch fler and all, LFC - Modern Talking? Whadya think? You can win if you want, if you want it you can win? ???

anfield devotee said...

Ah ha ha, Kevo, Modern fooking Talking!!!

No lar, that'll be a bridge too far.

SLACKER said...

LOL!!! funny stuff

anfield devotee said...

Slacker: Yup, like me said, us Kopites know how to laff at ourselves . . .

.ani said...

Nice one AD ... just saw this today :))

Amir Hamzah said...

Beatles and Everton! wow! them guys must be turnin' in their graves!